September 11, 2008
I opened another bottle and poured it down my throat as i tried to drown myself from drinking alcohol. Too bad no matter how much i drink, it's still not enough to numb out the pain i feel inside my chest.
Just a week ago, she told me that it's better if we shouldn't see each other anymore. And now she's getting married to a guy she barely know. Even though we never made our special relationship official, i know what we felt was real. That i loved her and she loved me back. But how can she just marry someone and easily toss out what we feel inside? Why is she doing this to me?
"Tss..how could you think that she really loved you back? You're really stupid Kim Taeyeon!"
But how can i just let her go like that? I'm on a battle against my own mind.
"No! This shouldn't be happening. I need to see her and tell her that she's making a huge mistake."
I gulped another glass-full of soju and grabbed my keys as soon as i felt a little courage forming inside me.
"10 seconds. Just 10 seconds and i promise i will leave right away if she doesn't come out. I just need to see her."
"10...9...8...7...."
My heart is beating wildly as i'm waiting outside her door praying for her to come out.
"6...5.....please...."
I'm getting hopeless. But i know i would feel as if i could do anything again as soon as i see her face.
"4....3....Tif, please..just one look. Just one look and i would feel better again."
"2...........1..."
Tears started to form around the corner of my eyes. I tried to walk back to my car as i'm feeling a great force tightening inside my chest. I wanted to scream...when suddenly, i heard her voice calling my name.
"Tae'..wait!"
I saw her face peeking outside the window. The expression on her face is far from what i've expected to see. She looks like she's about to cry as she forces herself to show off a smile.
"Study hard okay? Don't be too stubborn anymore. Take care of yourself and live a happy life."
The courage i had earlier is all gone now.i felt a huge amount of pain after hearing her say her goodbye. And even though it breaks my heart, i know i have no choice but to let her go and show her that i'm going to be okay living without her.
"Yes, i understand. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You too, always take care and don't get sick. Be happy and keep smiling for me, okay? I'm..i'm going to miss you Tif. Goodbye."
I gathered all the energy i had left and walked away as tears continuously fell down my cheeks. I know there's no turning back once i leave her now. But i realized that if she really wants to say goodbye, i had to let her go. That's the last thing i can do to make the only girl i love happy.
"Taeng..do you know why i'm marrying that guy? Because he can find other woman and easily fall in-love again. He'll be able to continue living his life, even without me. But you, i know you can't do that! How can i be with you when i know that you'll live miserably while only loving and thinking about me?"
"I'm such a terrible person! I'm so sorry Tae'. But what can i do?"
Tears instantly rushed down my face after she turned around and drove away. I tried to hit myself as i screamed out in the air everything i wanted to tell Yuri.
"Stop that you're hurting yourself!"
I hugged her as i tried to comfort her. I'm glad i can be with her now that she needs me the most. This is the only thing i can do for her.
"Everything will be okay Fany, i promise. Don't cry anymore, it hurts me to see you like that."
"But i'm really a bad person Sunny. All i do is hurt the person i love the most."
"That's not true! You're the loveliest person i've ever met. You're only doing that for her own good. Stop blaming yourself."
"I'm sorry Tae'! I'm so sorry. Will you please tell her that Sunny? That i'm really really sorry for hurting her."
"Yes, i'll tell her that. So don't worry anymore. I'll stay right here beside you."
"Thank you so much Sunny. I'm really lucky to have you as my best friend. You never leave my side. You're always there to make me feel better. But i'm sorry i can't do that for you too. Promise me you'll not cry when i'm not around anymore, okay?"
"Don't say that Fany!"
"Just promise me!"
"Okay, i promise."
As soon as i said that, tears started falling down my cheeks. But i had to hide it from her. I wish i was on her place instead or that i can take all her pain away. I love you Fany. I love you so much that i'm willing to set aside my feelings and let you go. I know you'll be happier with her. That's why i'm doing this for you, even if it hurts me deep inside my heart. Seeing you happy is more than enough for me.
~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~
I opened another bottle and poured it down my throat as i tried to drown myself from drinking alcohol. Too bad no matter how much i drink, it's still not enough to numb out the pain i feel inside my chest.
Just a week ago, she told me that it's better if we shouldn't see each other anymore. And now she's getting married to a guy she barely know. Even though we never made our special relationship official, i know what we felt was real. That i loved her and she loved me back. But how can she just marry someone and easily toss out what we feel inside? Why is she doing this to me?
"Tss..how could you think that she really loved you back? You're really stupid Kim Taeyeon!"
But how can i just let her go like that? I'm on a battle against my own mind.
"No! This shouldn't be happening. I need to see her and tell her that she's making a huge mistake."
I gulped another glass-full of soju and grabbed my keys as soon as i felt a little courage forming inside me.
"10 seconds. Just 10 seconds and i promise i will leave right away if she doesn't come out. I just need to see her."
"10...9...8...7...."
My heart is beating wildly as i'm waiting outside her door praying for her to come out.
"6...5.....please...."
I'm getting hopeless. But i know i would feel as if i could do anything again as soon as i see her face.
"4....3....Tif, please..just one look. Just one look and i would feel better again."
"2...........1..."
Tears started to form around the corner of my eyes. I tried to walk back to my car as i'm feeling a great force tightening inside my chest. I wanted to scream...when suddenly, i heard her voice calling my name.
"Tae'..wait!"
I saw her face peeking outside the window. The expression on her face is far from what i've expected to see. She looks like she's about to cry as she forces herself to show off a smile.
"Study hard okay? Don't be too stubborn anymore. Take care of yourself and live a happy life."
The courage i had earlier is all gone now.i felt a huge amount of pain after hearing her say her goodbye. And even though it breaks my heart, i know i have no choice but to let her go and show her that i'm going to be okay living without her.
"Yes, i understand. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You too, always take care and don't get sick. Be happy and keep smiling for me, okay? I'm..i'm going to miss you Tif. Goodbye."
I gathered all the energy i had left and walked away as tears continuously fell down my cheeks. I know there's no turning back once i leave her now. But i realized that if she really wants to say goodbye, i had to let her go. That's the last thing i can do to make the only girl i love happy.
"Taeng..do you know why i'm marrying that guy? Because he can find other woman and easily fall in-love again. He'll be able to continue living his life, even without me. But you, i know you can't do that! How can i be with you when i know that you'll live miserably while only loving and thinking about me?"
"I'm such a terrible person! I'm so sorry Tae'. But what can i do?"
Tears instantly rushed down my face after she turned around and drove away. I tried to hit myself as i screamed out in the air everything i wanted to tell Yuri.
"Stop that you're hurting yourself!"
I hugged her as i tried to comfort her. I'm glad i can be with her now that she needs me the most. This is the only thing i can do for her.
"Everything will be okay Fany, i promise. Don't cry anymore, it hurts me to see you like that."
"But i'm really a bad person Sunny. All i do is hurt the person i love the most."
"That's not true! You're the loveliest person i've ever met. You're only doing that for her own good. Stop blaming yourself."
"I'm sorry Tae'! I'm so sorry. Will you please tell her that Sunny? That i'm really really sorry for hurting her."
"Yes, i'll tell her that. So don't worry anymore. I'll stay right here beside you."
"Thank you so much Sunny. I'm really lucky to have you as my best friend. You never leave my side. You're always there to make me feel better. But i'm sorry i can't do that for you too. Promise me you'll not cry when i'm not around anymore, okay?"
"Don't say that Fany!"
"Just promise me!"
"Okay, i promise."
As soon as i said that, tears started falling down my cheeks. But i had to hide it from her. I wish i was on her place instead or that i can take all her pain away. I love you Fany. I love you so much that i'm willing to set aside my feelings and let you go. I know you'll be happier with her. That's why i'm doing this for you, even if it hurts me deep inside my heart. Seeing you happy is more than enough for me.
~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~
"Whaaa..just pack your things and leave. The train will arrive in a couple of minutes. You said you'll forget her and just be happy for her. So don't cry and feel sad anymore Kim Taeyeon."
After a while....
"Toooooooooooot....tooooooot.."
"Hmm..here it is. There's no turning back now. She'd be happier if you just let her go."
"Taeyeon..stop! Don't board the train."
"Wh-what are you doing here Sunny? Aren't you supposed to be at her wedding?"
"Tsk..so you're just letting her go like that huh? You're really stupid!"
I'm only doing this for her. I want her to be happy. Let's not talk about this anymore."
"If i was only on your place, i would've done everything just to be with her. Do you know that she's doing all of these for you?"
"Huh? But she said she's already forgotten about me and that she's going to marry that guy." How would that be for my own sake?"
"She loves you Taeng! You're the only person she's ever loved. She's only doing this because she wants you to be happy..even when she's not here anymore."
"What..what are you talking about Sunny. Why wouldn't she be here anymore? I don't understand."
"She's dying! She does't have much time left. That's why she's letting you go. She doesn't want you to get hurt."
"Wh-whaat? Tiffany's dying?! But..but why didn't she tell me? Ohh Tif.."
My knees felt weak and i collapse down the floor. How can i not know about this? I'm really stupid. All this time..she's only been doing all of these for me."
"What are you waiting fior? Shouldn't you be stopping her wedding right now? You don't have much time left."
"Thank you Sunny. I mean it, that you so much!"
"Yeah..just promise me you'll take her away from that guy Siwon okay? Now go!"
I just did what's best for Fany but why do i feel like my heart is breaking inside? Like i lost on a big bet and i have nothing left. But still, i want her to be happy. I'll try to be happy for her too, no matter how much it hurts me to let someone else take her away from me.
"Okay, i promise!"
I got up and immediately rushed over to stop Tiffany from getting married.
~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~
Meanwhile, at the church...
"Please..please wait for me Tif! Just hang in there a little more. I'm coming."
I entered the church and there seems to be a commotion there. I saw the guy Siwon but Tiffany is not with her yet.
"What happened here? Where is Tiffany?"
I tried to look again but still wasn't able to find her. Then suddenly, i heard a girl sobbing.
"Hmm..who is that girl crying?"
I went outside to see if i could have any luck on finding Tiffany. But then i heard the sob again, and this time it's closer.
"Could that be Tiffany?"
I followed the sound which lead me to a cave-like room along the side of the church.
"Tif, is that you?"
"Huh? Tae', what are you doing here? I thought you already left?"
"My heart only asks for you. How do you think am i supposed to live without you? Why didn't you tell me the truth and even asked me to leave you? Did you really think i'd be fine and happier when i'm not able to stay by your side Tif?"
"You already know that i'm sick? How did you know? Who told you?"
"Sunny told me, just before i was about to board the train. If it wasn't for her i wouldn't be able to be here with you right now."
"But why did you still came back Tae'? You could've lived a better life without worrying about me. You'll just regret ever coming back."
"Did you really think that if i knew you were gonna die, i would have left or stopped loving you? You know that's not true, i will never regret loving you Tif! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even when you're gone, everyday of my life will still be filled with joy because i had the chance to be loved by you."
"But i'm really sick Tae'! And i'll get even sicker in the future. I wouldn't be able to be with you much longer. You'll only get hurt in the end. I love you so much but what should i do?"
"You don't have to do anything Tif. Just be with me. Allow me to stay by your side until your last day. I will do everything for you because i love you."
"Oh Taeng, how could i ever make up from all the hurts i gave and will be giving you in the future? I'll forever be sorry to you Kim Taeyeon. I love you too. I love you so much."
Right after i heard her say those words i grabbed and hugged her as i was telling myself never to let her go again.
I feel really sorry for making it hard for you Tae'. But still i'm very happy that you came back and that we're together now. I leaned closer and kissed her lips. It was a deep and lasting kiss. Looking at her eyes, i know i'll die happily.
~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~
April 16, 2011
2 years, 7 months and 5 days, i was able to be with her in such short time. Carrying her on my back, combing the few strands of hair left on her head, feeding her foods that are easy to swallow, making sure she drinks 12 capsules of different medicines everyday on time, making her happy but not to make her laugh or cry too hard, show her some aegyo whenever she gets her painful shots, sneaking out of the hospital once in a while and sleeping while dreaming beside her as we hold hands.
That's how we spent most of her remaining time. During those times, i was jolly, energetic and full of life but i never showed her how much i cried and cried every time she's in pain and slowly losing life. I had to be strong for her even though it's killing me inside. Yes, it was hard..really hard! But still, those were the happiest days of my life! Having the chance to spend it with her fills my heart with so much joy. Even if i had the chance to live my life all over again..i'd still choose to spend it with her.
Tiffany left me last night as i was lying beside her. My head resting on her shoulder and my arms wrapped tightly around her, scared of letting her go. We both knew it was coming. I closed my eyes as she was singing a song for me and stroking my hair. Our tears were endless that night. We cried a lot, getting ready for our separation. Until the time i feared the most came. Her hand stopped stroking my hair and i couldn't hear her voice anymore. I hugged her even tighter. I didn't even dare looked into her face. I just cried so hard until i fell asleep holding her ice cold hands.
But when i woke up this morning, i saw the sun shining brightly upon her beautiful face. And she was smiling at me. She looked really happy. Yes, i cried again today. Not only because she left me but also because her pain and suffering finally ended. And knowing that we will someday..somehow, be together again. And this time..it's forever!
~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~♥~~~~
~END~
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